Guidelines For Driving In Dubai

This week, InshAllah, i will be getting my new car, so i thought it would be an appropriate time to remind my self of the "guidelines" for driving in Dubai. I believe they would be really helpful to alot of people, so i have written them down below:

·         Each lane has its own speed limit. To travel in the “fast” lane, you must be in a Nissan PATROL or Toyota land cruiser, or a Mercedes G-55, you MUST have windows tinted soo dark that no one can see inside, you must drive at lease 150km/hr, and you must flash your lights ALL the time to make sure EVERYONE knows you are coming through. If you are in the “slow” lane, you must be driving a Nissan sunny, you must have no idea where you are going, you must always press the brakes for no reason at all, and you must always cross into the middle lanes and then swerve back again. In the slow lane, you must also drive 50km/hr below the speed limit, and have about 15 people in your car.

·         The shoulder of the road CAN be used as an extra lane. No “broblem” 

·         You must never use you indicators when changing lanes. This is a big NO-NO.  By using your indicators to change lanes, you may potentially frighten another driver on the road because they will not know what that yellow flashing coming from your car actually means…

·         You must wear sunglasses when driving at night. Very important. Not only does it make you look so cool, but it helps from being blinded when the cars in the “fast” lane are flashing you.

·         At roundabouts, change lanes as many times as possible, and make sure you cut off as many people as possible, then after you cut someone off, please remember to stop and shout abuse at them because they didn’t read your mind and know where you wanted to go.

·         When you see the traffic signal turn from green to yellow, speed up as fast as you can to make it through the signal before it changes to red. ( you must yell swear words in Arabic to whoever gets in your way).

·         No matter where you are driving, be it a small back street or a main high way, if you see your friend driving, please wind down your window, slam on the brakes, and stay in the middle of the road chatting to them until you have created a significant traffic jam behind you.

·         “one way street” means that you can still go 2 ways, no broblem! 

·         Times of traffic are from 12am-3pm then from 3.01pm-11.59pm.

If you miss your exit, you must travel another 30km in the wrong direction until you find next available exit.

·         If you are a male, and you have had the unpleasant misfortune of stopping at a red traffic signal, you must wind down your window and yell your phone number to any females in cars next to yours.

·         If you are female and have had to stop at the traffic signals, you must play hard-to-get, but memorize the phone number of the man yelling to you, then call him when the signal turns green. 

·         If you are a foreigner, and you have an accident with a local, you must remember that the accident is your fault… even if he crashes into you.  Make sure you get out of your car and yell words like “wallah, y3nii, mob zein” ..  don’t forget to exaggerate all of your hand movements.

·         You MUST beep your horn the very moment the traffic signal goes green. 

·         You MUST speak on your mobile phone, look at your reflection in the mirror, type on your blackberry, read the newspaper and drive all at the same time. Please also remember to NEVER wear a seatbelt and drive as fast as you can, EVERYWHERE.. EVERYTIME. 

·         Lastly, remember to never smile at anyone, or say thank you if they let you in pass in front of them. 

·         Oh one more thing.. drive as bad good as you can at all times.